Thirty three years have passed. One thing I have learned over time is that an individual does not have the ability to change another human being. That is all due to the fact that what the heart wants is always in a battle with what the mind wants. So incidentally, the weak-minded fall victim to thinking they are mindful yet they are heartless. Given a choice, I would rather simplify the confusion by considering the morality of the dilemma. If you had to commit a sin to temporarily soothe your soul, then be prepared to accept that the benefit will never outweigh the consequences. From this point forward, regrets will control your whole being; because once you lose the one thing that was meant to be your everything, you will be nothing.
“I will live. I will love. I will die. Three things I am guaranteed. How I live, who I love and when I die will remain unknown. What I do know is that I refuse to let the man with the shovel take me down with him.”
I lost my smile the day that I met the man with a shovel in his hands. A shovel that he used to beat lies into my head and dig holes into my heart. I was so oblivious by the mask he had on his face. I always wondered why he was so resistant to making changes to his physical appearance but then it was clear to me that he was not ready to reveal his true being. That this mask felt safe to wear and he needed it to cover his face while he was digging with his shovel. There I was next to him through rain and shine falling quickly through the mud, not understanding what he is looking for and why he keeps digging so deep. A shadow cast over me and it was because were sinking into this hole that he dug. I was full of dirt, I could not see. There was no warmth, no light, just darkness and coldness. He was sweating profusely, breathing heavily and he kept a wicked smile on his face all the while. He said that his job was not done yet. How I wish he would have been done so we could get out of there and cleanse the dirt off of ourselves. But he always puts in a hard day’s work and seldom cared to cleanse. So I knew I was in this by myself. Then it hit me…He was not uplifting me but instead bringing me down; down into the grave that he had started digging for himself with the shovel that he had in his hands when I met him. Down into the dumps of turmoil, self-destruction, addiction, sinful self-indulgence, and slow lonely, painful death. So I learned never to judge a book by it’s cover. However, I had another take on the meaning. A cover is exactly what the word entails; something that hides or conceals what lies within. This man was my book. So in this book that I came across in the library of life, I misjudged him by his cover. I am almost done reading this book. I feel the end is near. I have my finger between the last two pages but I stop reading because I have too much dirt on my hands and I cannot even see the words. There is no sense in trying, it is already distorted.
I have been waiting here for a while now for a train that seems like it is never coming. It gives me too much time to think. Looking at the tracks and seeing the marks left behind reminds me of the places I have been. Despite the chaos, I keep searching for something. Something to set my mind free. It makes me sad to know that a lot of people end their lives in the very place that I come to seek my transport into another realm of my existence. I am very tired. So many options, yet so little control over their outcome. Wishes blow into the wind. Tears wash away in the rain. When will the sun come out? I have been in these shadows way too long. As soon as this train comes I have to decide whether to jump into it or right in front of it. Instant gratification. I am still waiting. I have made my mind up and I know this is the way. I am ready but then an announcement comes over the loud speaker. It says that service has been cancelled due to a derailment. What could have happened?
It was not meant to be. It was not my time. Maybe someone else beat me to it. Someone else had it worse than me. My worries could not possibly supersede someone else’s expiration date. I am so blessed, which is what I should have realized before I allowed these crazy ideas to hijack my mind. Never again will I place myself in a situation where I think I could take matters into my own hands. Time will tell and heal me. This train wreck symbolizes my life in a sense that I must move forward despite what has been broken. I will just wear my experiences as these tracks wear their marks and keep pushing forward to my next destination. My purpose isn’t to try to make sense of it all, but rather it is to share my story along my journey.
What if you wake up one day and realize that everything you have ever known was all a matter of you being brainwashed to think and believe a certain way…stripped from your individuality; may as well not even exist since the only thing you can control is your breathing. But then again, even your lungs are in a cage.
“Some find it hard to believe. Either way I manage to remain indifferent.” – Jessica Roman
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you that I have experienced death so many times.
Life is only what happens to my soul once it rests.
Every breakup is a death. Every loss is a death. Every end of something is the death of what was.
How else would new things manifest into what is in the now? Our time here on earth is borrowed. With knowing that, maybe we wouldn’t take our life for granted, considering how we only live once but we die so many times.
A little bit of me is lost every day until the day that the end of my being occurs. In the interim, what I do, what I create, who I hurt, who I love, and what I become, will all eventually die. Only my soul and legacy will live on.
So I must do the best that I can with what I’ve been given and make sure that I find purpose in its existence before it meets it death. If not, then since it is all a part of me then only I die a little bit every day.
If you know someone who has self esteem issues, self control issues, lack of loyalty, and selfish tendencies then make sure you never ask them to keep your secrets safe. Some people take the information you gave them in trust and treat it like if you just handed them a hot piece of charcoal. It’s up to you to seek solace in the company you keep and the secrets you confide in them. Spilling your heart out to someone that has malicious intent towards you is like asking this person to hold water in their hands. So the point is that you have to make sure this person is capable of holding water. As I see it there’s only one person in this world with that capability and he will always keep your secrets and never judge you in return. Reevaluate the comfort level you share with others.
Communication is the key to unlocking the full potential of your inner soul. At times it may seem as if life is happening so fast that we lose sight of the things that are actually unseen or unheard. Those are the things that matter the most but are valued the least. Today is a day in which I say to myself that I can use the key to open up a new realm of my being. That is to being loved. But first to be understood. Understanding can take a lot of patience and faith. However, keys also unlock unfavorable things that you have to learn to keep in its place. Negative interference never leads to positive outcomes. I say this to say that you are the beholder of your happiness. And in due time you will earn the right to rise to adversity so long as you manifest righteousness in your words and actions.