To my dear friend who misses her father deeply. Listen to your heart, he lives inside of you. (F.M.)
If I close my eyes and stay very still, I can hear a drummer pounding a steady beat.
But once I get distracted it’s like I can’t hear it anymore.
I want to see the drummer it is so frustrating that I cannot, but I know it’s there. This is all too much. I can’t. I am leaving. I am going for a walk before I lose my mind.
I just need to think; I need to ponder clearly in solitude.
Counting my steps with one foot in front of the other; The drummer begins. The faster I go, the louder it gets. I just know I am getting closer. I must keep going.
I keep tripping over things that do not exist and stopping for things that should not have been in my way; and it is such a whirlwind of emotions because I can’t cry because I am angry; and I am angry because I am looking for the drummer; and I cannot find it.
Not once did it miss a beat. This is the creator of the rhythm that developed inside me and now I am lost. How can that be?
Anyway, I am out of breath. Let me sit down.
The drummer is tirelessly playing the beautiful melody but I am too tired and out of breath to realize what is happening.
At times I think I am crazy because my desire is to use openness as bait to gain love; and that if I exert positive energy, nothing bad will ever come. And so I believe that if I move faster towards the sound of the drum I will find it and that would be enough for me to not think of this bullshit we call life.
But it is not enough.
I have wasted so much time trying to find something that was inside of me the whole entire time.
The drummer is my father and he plays the beautiful sound that radiates from my chest. He gave me life and continues to give me purpose.
I need to stop being so selfish and appreciate that the music he created will forever be heard inside of me and anything I create from this point forward.
All I have to do is listen.