The drummer

To my dear friend who misses her father deeply. Listen to your heart, he lives inside of you. (F.M.) 

If I close my eyes and stay very still, I can hear a drummer pounding a steady beat.

But once I get distracted it’s like I can’t hear it anymore.

I want to see the drummer it is so frustrating that I cannot, but I know it’s there. This is all too much. I can’t. I am leaving. I am going for a walk before I lose my mind.

I just need to think; I need to ponder clearly in solitude.

Counting my steps with one foot in front of the other; The drummer begins. The faster I go, the louder it gets. I just know I am getting closer. I must keep going.

I keep tripping over things that do not exist and stopping for things that should not have been in my way; and it is such a whirlwind of emotions because I can’t cry because I am angry; and I am angry because I am looking for the drummer; and I cannot find it.

Not once did it miss a beat. This is the creator of the rhythm that developed inside me and now I am lost. How can that be?

Anyway, I am out of breath. Let me sit down.

The drummer is tirelessly playing the beautiful melody but I am too tired and out of breath to realize what is happening.

At times I think I am crazy because my desire is to use openness as bait to gain love; and that if I exert positive energy, nothing bad will ever come. And so I believe that if I move faster towards the sound of the drum I will find it and that would be enough for me to not think of this bullshit we call life.

But it is not enough.

I have wasted so much time trying to find something that was inside of me the whole entire time.

The drummer is my father and he plays the beautiful sound that radiates from my chest. He gave me life and continues to give me purpose.

I need to stop being so selfish and appreciate that the music he created will forever be heard inside of me and anything I create from this point forward.

All I have to do is listen.

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Wear a coat

We live in a day and age where a lot of things are culturally acceptable.

But you should never have to compromise your individuality.

When you think of how cold the people of this world are, your individuality comes into perspective.

Do you want to be that person who chooses to be the recycled goods of another shallow, needy human being?

Or would you rather not waste any energy in people, places, or things who contribute absolutely nothing to bringing out the best in you.

We cannot choose those in which we share a bloodline; which are some of the coldest human beings on this planet. You’d need a heavy coat for those cold shoulders and a shield to block the hatred, envy, deceit, lies, disloyalty, lack of sympathy and empathy, I can go on but I won’t because it would not matter because, no matter what, I still care.

And that is where I realize that they and I are only human.

I can forgive those who’ve wronged me. I can forget all the things that were done onto me.

However, even though I’m conscious of the fact that pain and hurt is temporary, the audacity of you to do such things to me, will forever change the dynamics of our relationships.

So no, we cannot sit and have tea, but If I see you in passing, I will say Hi and move forward.

Make sure you wear a coat. It’s a cold, cold world.

Emptiness inside 

All that is left is the skeleton. A sign of what was with no formal expression and no heart. If ever given the opportunity to trade life for death, I do not fathom why we cannot trade those who remain for those that are gone. I mean that with all due respect for those whom we deeply love and genuinely love us back; unlike all the others who care to be there for their own purpose, cause havoc and waste space and time in which we can never get back. But I would not hesitate to have a chance to trade all my time wasted on loving someone who could and would never reciprocate just to have another moment with the one whom loved me unconditionally and unendingly; brief as it may have been. 

Rest In Peace 

When we cut the lights off at night to lay to rest, we trust that the darkness will protect us and bring us peace to last though the morning sun. Never distrust your blindness to sit up and think about what could be or what would’ve been. Everyone deserves to have peace equal to the peace they bring onto others. Cast away your fears with your prayers. Close your eyes and allow yourself to drift away into sleep. Know that your mind gets tired too and because your brain guides your heart, never let a moment go by without understanding first that one will never work without the other. Love yourself enough to accept that things that rest and wake have another chance to make it right. If being alone in the dark is frightening, remember that some things need light to grow. So why are you depriving yourself from seeing the light of a brand new day?

Casualties of forced love 

So here we are. It’s time to say goodbye. These moments are hard to accept but our experiences have prepared us well in advance. The inevitable is the withdrawal you will process once you realize I was just making my rounds, passing through your life, trying to find a place to settle into. I was hit by a truck going 100 miles per hour, but I survived. I felt myself being shattered to pieces in so much pain. Time has hardened my emotions and I am picking up the pieces necessary to make myself whole again. So…why would I want to go back and put myself in a situation where I would get hit by a truck again, but this time, diminishing my being far from existence?

So thankful for you 

New beginnings are on the horizon. I could not see it coming because I was so blinded by the glare of the sun coming through the magnifying glass you held above me. But not anymore; because there is a bigger giant that won’t further allow you to burn me. I want to thank you for your wrongdoings. You’ve made me strong. You’ve made me better. You’ve served your purpose in my life. I am truly blessed.

The man and his shovel

“I will live. I will love. I will die. Three things I am guaranteed. How I live, who I love and when I die will remain unknown. What I do know is that I refuse to let the man with the shovel take me down with him.”

I lost my smile the day that I met the man with a shovel in his hands. A shovel that he used to beat lies into my head and dig holes into my heart. I was so oblivious by the mask he had on his face. I always wondered why he was so resistant to making changes to his physical appearance but then it was clear to me that he was not ready to reveal his true being. That this mask felt safe to wear and he needed it to cover his face while he was digging with his shovel. There I was next to him through rain and shine falling quickly through the mud, not understanding what he is looking for and why he keeps digging so deep. A shadow cast over me and it was because were sinking into this hole that he dug. I was full of dirt, I could not see. There was no warmth, no light, just darkness and coldness. He was sweating profusely, breathing heavily and he kept a wicked smile on his face all the while. He said that his job was not done yet. How I wish he would have been done so we could get out of there and cleanse the dirt off of ourselves. But he always puts in a hard day’s work and seldom cared to cleanse. So I knew I was in this by myself. Then it hit me…He was not uplifting me but instead bringing me down; down into the grave that he had started digging for himself with the shovel that he had in his hands when I met him. Down into the dumps of turmoil, self-destruction, addiction, sinful self-indulgence, and slow lonely, painful death. So I learned never to judge a book by it’s cover. However, I had another take on the meaning. A cover is exactly what the word entails; something that hides or conceals what lies within. This man was my book. So in this book that I came across in the library of life, I misjudged him by his cover. I am almost done reading this book. I feel the end is near. I have my finger between the last two pages but I stop reading because I have too much dirt on my hands and I cannot even see the words. There is no sense in trying, it is already distorted.